I woke up at 6:30 a.m. on Monday the 20th of April to a small pop of water. It was small enough that I was unsure if it was really my water breaking, but what else could it be? I tried to go back to sleep for a little bit, but couldn't, for obvious reasons ("Am I having a baby today?!" kept going through my head). I was just barely leaking water and I had no contractions, so I got up and thought, let's get this going! I was SO sure the contractions would come. All day I waited, extremely confident that they would start at any time.
I got up and got a work out in. Then we walked and walked loops around our neighborhood. I felt some light contractions throughout the day, but nothing strong or consistent.
Darin took his job of recording labor day events seriously. Here I am stepping up and down, up and down on an exercise step.
Cleaning the house, in hopes of moving that body into labor, but also because knowing one way or another I would be having a baby soon enough, why not use that knowledge to come home to a clean house after baby is born.
I spoke to my midwife throughout the day trying to decide what to do and when to go to the hospital. They really wanted me to have a baby within 24 hours, or shortly thereafter once my water broke. I wanted to wait as long as possible before starting pitocin because I REALLY wanted to have an unmediated birth and I was REALLY sure contractions would come on. You guys, I was SO sure they would start. How could they not?! (I've heard plenty of stories of water breaking with no contractions, but in the moment it just seemed like it would happen).
We decided to head to the hospital that evening so that they could monitor the baby and make sure she was okay. We had our final dinner (leftover Chicken Philly Sandwiches from the night before :) as a family of four and dropped the kids off at our friend's house around 6:30 p.m. It was so weird to walk away from their house, without the kids, knowing our family would never be the same (also weird because due to the pandemic, it was the first time in a looong time we had been with friends).
Before going to the hospital, Darin and I stopped by the lake next to the hospital and got in one more "COME ON contractions" walk. We watched the sunset and talked about how strange the whole thing was. Darin asked me questions about favorite types of foods and top places I would dream of vacationing for some fun conversation to get my mind off of things as I was starting to get a little disappointed by this point. I had really hoped to be in active labor when we walked into the hospital, but I was far from it.
Cayuga Medical Center (picture was from a different visit as it was already getting dark when we arrived).
We got checked in and a nurse asked me to put a gown on and then said that the midwife would come in to speak with me. When the nurse left, I shed a few tears. Looking at the gown, looking around the room...I was excited that our baby was coming, but was struggling to let go of the idea of how I wanted her to come. I didn't like that I had time to think and wonder and that I was going to have to make choices (start pitocin right away, wait longer, use a cervical ripener, try a breastpump, etc), I just wanted it TO HAPPEN.
I talked through different options with the midwife and decided to have her check to see if I was dilated, along with checking to see if my water was fully broken. If it wasn't, she would try and break it open more and also do a membrane sweep. They don't like to check you often after your water has broken because of the risk of infection, so I had to be okay with this possibly being the only time I would know how far dilated I was.
She said that my water was fully broken and that I was dilated to a 3. I decided to wait on pitocin as I still hoped contractions would come on during the night, and in hopes of getting some sleep and starting pitocin in the morning if needed.
I couldn't leave the room to walk around, so I walked around that little labor and delivery room and bounced and bounced my heart out on that exercise ball.
We wateched Some Good News with John Krasinski while I bounced.
We shared a little midnight turkey sandwich snack before deciding to try and rest for a bit.
Darin was able to sleep for a few hours. I tried to get some rest but couldn't get my brain to stop. My mind was racing, wondering what magic I needed to do to get the contractions to come on, wondering if I should get pitocin going sooner rather than later, fearing that I might be putting the baby at risk the longer I waited.
Around 4 a.m., I was just completely depleted, exhausted from doing so much to try and go into labor with no results. I was a weepy mess. Darin woke up and hopped in bed with me. He held me and sang to me and helped me relax enough to fall asleep for a little over an hour. It wasn't much, but it was just what I needed to reset the next morning.
I got up at 6 a.m. to a beautiful sunrise, ready to do whatever I needed to to bring our baby into the world. I did start having some inconsistent contractions after waking up, so we gave it a few more hours to see if it would turn into anything. By 9 o'clock it wasn't looking like anything would happen fast enough and since it was already past 24 hours by that point I decided to get pitocin going.
We ate a less than hearty breakfast and waited for the nurse to come in with the IV.
Not the most flattering picture, but it's a memory. Those compression socks... and how I had to put my tennis shoes on to support my weak veiny legs after using them SO MUCH the day before walking my heart out (probably more than I had used them in about 9 months).
The nurse is giving me that IV that I really really didn't want. I didn't want to be hooked up, tied down to anything. Thankfully, she did an amazing job, getting in on her first try (unlike when I had Shae and had to be poked about 3 times in EACH arm before they got it in. The bruising on my arms hurt for weeks).
The contractions came on quickly and intensified consistently.
Around 11 a.m. the contractions felt unbearable. Although I hoped to not use an epidural, I knew that the likelihood of getting one would be a lot higher being on pitocin. I had reached my limit. I didn't want to feel any more contractions.
The nurse called in the midwife. She went ahead and checked me and told me I was at an 8. I don't remember ever explicitly saying out loud that I was changing my mind about the epidural, but hearing that I was so close pushed me to move forward. I didn't want to worry about the epidural slowing things down. I was so exhausted and just needed to be done, I wanted the contractions to be done SO BADLY. So I hunkered down and pushed through.
The midwife and nurse stayed in there with me for a good half an hour after checking me. They really helped me get through this rough stage of labor (hello transition!) They gave me positioning suggestions and were the extra voices that I needed, telling me that I could do it.
Darin was right there with me through every. single. contraction. He gave me counter pressure where needed and counted down slowly from 10 through each and every contraction to give me something to focus on. It's amazing how helpful that was. After making it through each 10 seconds, I knew that I had gotten through the peek and that I would be okay. It was such a useful technique. (After the fact, the nurse and midwife said how cool it was to see us working together as such a great team).
Towards the end, the only position that I could handle was standing up, leaning against this counter. (I have NO recollection of my hand being on the mouse like it is in this picture, haha).
A little after noon, I really started to feel the need to push. I asked the nurse, "Can I start pushing a little to bring the baby down more? I really feel the need to push." She suggested that I don't, but after another contraction or two I told her, "I really can't help it!" She called the midwife and told me to try and wait until she was there so that she could see if I was fully dilated.
The midwife arrived and asked me to sit on the bed. I somehow got over to the bed and turned to sit, but there was NO WAY that I could sit. In that moment, I turned, grabbed the handle of the bed and started pushing. I couldn't stop myself. Just a few minutes later, I met my sweet baby.
The midwife caught her as I was standing there and brought her up for me to hold. It was such an amazing, special moment. I was so happy to meet her and so relieved that I was done with the contractions (or so I thought).
I lost a lot of blood after giving birth to her. I really didn't know what was going on after the birth. I just felt so exhausted and shaky. Darin said that I turned really white and that everything was feeling a little scary. A nurse quickly asked my permission to give me a shot in my leg and the midwife asked for permission to push some Cytotec up me, all in hopes of preventing a hemorrhage and to get the bleeding to stop. They uped my pitocin to try and get my uterus to contract down faster. I just remember laying there thinking, "why am I still contracting? The contractions are supposed to be done." They pushed on my belly so many times. It was a really uncomfortable hour after having just gone through some VERY uncomfortable hours and just wanting to rest and relax.
With that said, I am very grateful for the amazing team of nurses and midwives that got me to a good place, where we were finally left alone in the room and could enjoy our sweet baby.
One of the hardest things after the labor was that they kept the pitocin running for a good 9 hours after she was born. It was really so uncomfortable to feel light contractions for that entire time as my uterus contracted down. Those poor nurses kept hearing me ask when we could stop the pitocin.
Our hospital stay was good. We only stayed for a little over 24 hours after she was born because we wanted to get back to our kids since they had already stayed 2 nights with a friend, and once Darin left, he couldn't come back. Looking back, we should have sent Darin home with the kids and I should have stayed that second night with Emmy as that first week home was a hard one, full of daily visits to the clinic to check Emery's jaundice and a visit to the midwives after I passed a large clot and had some large lumps appear on my bad vein leg, which had me really worried about blood clots. Maybe an extra night at the hospital would have been good? Or maybe it wouldn't have mattered in the end? We'll never know.
The staff were all wonderful. It was actually really nice to "socialize" with so many people (all with masks on) as we hadn't done much socializing over the past months.
They do a "special" meal for lunch or dinner after you have a baby and I went with the steak, of course :). It was quite the delicious meal.
We soaked in that hospital time to enjoy snuggles with our new baby and to sleep as much as we could before jumping back into real life with the big kids.
I prayed for months that I would be healthy, that Emery would be healthy, that Darin would be just the right kind of support that I needed, that our kids would be okay at our friend's house, that labor would go smoothly, that the nurses and midwives that would help us would be healthy and happy and just what I needed to get through such a hard thing. While things didn't go exactly as my "dream labor" might have gone, I know that my prayers were answered. I felt so close to my Heavenly Parents. I felt their love and connection and blessings in so many ways, and have continued to feel that through these first weeks of postpartum and new baby.
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